WOW. The blog has basically been on vacation for a year. I've been doing a lot of living and not a lot of writing. Namely, welcoming our sweet baby girl, Norah Gwendolyn Engelking into the world on December 6, 2015! 

Baby girl at 11 weeks old 

Three months ago I was working on staff at our church in full time ministry with high school students and young adults; a job I'd been doing for 5.5 years. I love my job, I'm passionate about that ministry. There were definitely some hard seasons and times when ministry was brutally exhausting. But my perspective on my ministry job has shifted a little bit in recent months. You see, high school students can be difficult, but at least they can feed themselves and wipe their own butt. When they cry because they are mad or sad you can often talk it out or reason with them logically, or simply pray with them and write them an encouragement note. All better (not really but kind of). 

But my ministry has changed a little bit recently. I've been on maternity leave for almost 3 months from my full time job, and am currently unofficially employed by someone who weighs 11ish pounds, poops her pants, can't pay me, and cries often, but I'm pretty obsessed with her. 

However, I started this new job extra tired. For starters, take 38 weeks of pregnancy (she was born early, hallelujah) + 40 pounds of weight gain (yep, 40). Then add difficulty sleeping at the end of pregnancy to the equation. And then a surprise two-week early baby with a 27 hour total induction/ labor and very little sleep in the hospital. Nothing could have prepared me for the physical tiredness I experienced in those first weeks home, and am now just cumulatively experiencing, a new "normal" of tired. But I didn't get vacation time or "sick leave" like I did at work. I just had to "mom it out."

Thankfully we had SO much help - having our parents each live three minutes away is THE best, we're so thankful!  But day after day, my job is to take care of this precious baby. Some days my mind just reels at the forever-ness of it all. I'm not sure I'll fully grasp that reality, except for to just keep doing one day at a time. To be there, to meet her needs, to be her mom. A lot of people can do a lot of other things I can do, but no one can be her mom like I can. 

I think what I'm realizing, in my most exhausted moments (and rare moments of clear thinking like this one) is that parenthood is servanthood. A unique ministry that happens mostly in my home, for hours on end with no one else watching. Norah doesn't say things like, "Gosh mom, you're so awesome. Seriously, thanks for pumping so I can have nutritious breast milk since I really didn't like breastfeeding." 

"OH, and those 200 times when you got up in the night when I was mad, I'm gonna write that down in my baby diary because we were totally bonding. Good times right there." 

"And you know what else? You're like a REALLY good diaper changer. Thanks for pasting all those creams all over my sensitive little booty when my diaper rash was so bad. I really appreciate it." 

"And thanks for letting me use your shoulder to spit up on, I just didn't want to do it anywhere else." 

No no. She can't thank me. At least not right now. But I don't think that's the point. Or the goal. The goal is to take care of my daughter, to humbly admit that it is incredibly important - although largely unseen - work. Every mom is a "working mom." Some moms just have another job, too. 

She needs me. Spending my days catching spit up, never feeling caught up on laundry, wondering How in the world would I ever manage more than one child? Washing bottles, changing diapers.

At the end of the day when my husband comes home, I find myself wanting to justify what I did that day: "guess what? I showered, and I folded laundry, oh AND we took a walk." What did YOU do today, babe? Or when he walks in from work and finds me sitting on the couch feeding the baby and watching Netflix or the Food Network or HGTV AGAIN, I'll say "I promise I don't just sit here all day! I do stuff!"

I like to-do lists. I like measureable goals. I like progress. But then this tiny miracle came crashing into my life two weeks early and changed the scale on me. On nights when she's sleeping well, I excitedly think, "We've arrived, I think she's got the sleep thing down! Go us, our baby is totally the exception in the world of newborns, she's like a sleep genius." 
And then the next night, she cries, "3:15, 4:15, 4:50, 5:30, 6:15, 7:00." Hubby can virtually sleep through all of it, I can sleep through exactly NONE of it. And we've backtracked. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. Semblance of routine. But then it changes. 

I remember one night when she was about 4 weeks old, feeling mad at my baby for not eating well, which means she wasn't sleeping well. I was MAD. At a 4 week old. As if she was maliciously, purposefully trying to make me so tired. I knew that feeling wasn't good. 

But I think what I realized, and I'm not proud to admit it, is that deep down I wanted to be able to control her. To be able to control something. Because if she wasn't sleeping well, it must have been something I was doing wrong, right? If I was in control, then I was the one to blame when my "system" didn't work. Guilt. Shame. Insecurity. You name it. I felt it. I'd read books and Google things like "how to help your infant sleep" because I just wanted to figure her out. In the past couple weeks she had some really fussy feedings, so what did I do? Get on the internet an order a new, different kind of bottle of course. After a long night where she woke up too many times what did I do? Get on Amazon first thing in the morning to order another book about baby sleep. Always looking to fix, always searching for solutions. I like it when things are that easy. But babies don't roll like that. 

But I'm learning that she's a PERSON. Not a person I'm to control but a sweet girl I get to raise. 
Train? Yes. 
Teach? Yes. 
Instruct? yes. 
But control, no no no. 
"A of all," I can't. Duh. 
"B of all," that's not what I'm called to.

I think a part of me knew I had some control issues, and then I became a parent and thought "OH MY GOSH I HAVE ISSUES." Luckily, Norah isn't old enough to realize it, she just thinks I'm awesome and funny and really great to snuggle with. We're gonna ride that out as long as humanly possible. And when she figures out that I have a little bit of basket-case-ness in my mothering, we'll teach her about GRACE. Yep. 

Even though the days kind of blur together right now, and some days I feel like I don't get anything done, I have to remind myself that these are important days. My version of "getting things done" doesn't really work anymore. The achiever in me likes to cross things off a list, pat myself on the back, and think, "I totally crushed today." Working in as a High School Director for several years, I already knew the feeling of 'bringing work home' with me sometimes, having a hard time checking out mentally from the burdens and responsibility that come with caring for people. 

But now I'm not just bringing my ministry home with me at the end of the day. My ministry IS home. Rather than texting a bunch of people to plan meetings at coffee shops, talking about church vision with precious friends and co-workers of mine, I talk to a two month old all day most days. I sing to her, I say brilliant things like, "Hi Norah!" 
"Good job baby" when she hits a toy while laying on her baby gym play mat.
Or "Please eat baby, you're doing such a good job eating. Can you burp? Are you gonna have some burps?" 
Or "Why are you so sad? I want to help you but I don't know what's wrong." 
And "You're so cute, baby. Is daddy coming home soon? Daddy is coming home soon, YAY!" 

Sometimes I'm tempted to try to prove myself, like show people that I remember how to do other things besides be a mom and that I am still good at other things too. 

There's a scene in The Office where all of the Dunder Mifflin employees are having a dance off in a hotel room the night before Jim & Pam's wedding. With each person that goes into the middle of the dance circle to show off their best moves, a couple people yell out, 
"What ELSE you got?" 
"Yeah, what else you got?!" Challenging the dancer to step up their moves. I feel like that is the question that plagues me. No one is literally asking me, "What else you got?" as they observe my mom life. But my inner critic taunts me with the feelings of not-enough-ness in moments of weakness. As if keeping a baby alive 24-7 is like minor job. Right. Maybe its just because I'm used to my work being acknowledged, encouraged, complimented, validated, PAID. 

Pastor and author John Mark Comer in his book Garden City refers to parenthood as "the art of unfolding humans." I love that. My main ministry now is to cooperate with God in the shaping, training, unfolding and growing up of this little person named Norah Gwendolyn. 
And right now teaching my baby about the love of Jesus mostly consists of just, get this - LOVING HER. Humbly serving her even though she literally can't do anything for me in return (except smile a lot and sleep through the night. Those might be my new love languages). And wiping her bottom. And holding her when she's sad. And choosing to live and rest in the reality that the time I spend with her is wildly important and always will be, regardless of who sees it, regardless of how easy/ hard the day is, and regardless of  if she "appreciates" it or not. 

Motherhood is ministry. Legit, valuable, brutally hard, amazing, beautiful ministry. I get to watch her grow and change every day. And the thing is, I'm changing too. 

I'm two and a half months in to this mom gig and I have a long ways to go and encyclopedia-length amounts of information to learn. But what I'm learning right now is to embrace the ministry I've been given. This was a job I prayed for, longed for, and dreamed about for years of my life. And I'm living it. Its messier, harder, and more incredible and fun than I could have imagined, but I'm doing it.

I'm a mom. 

My prayer for the next generation

Dear Jesus... please help them know what college to go to... please help them get a job, please help them on their tests this week, help them pass their driving test... please help them and their parents... please help them make church a priority... please help them in their friendships...please help them make wise decisions... please help them to stay pure with their boyfriends... Jesus please help me know how to encourage/ challenge them/ know what to say... please help them read their Bibles... 

Those are just a few of the prayers I've found myself praying over the months and years for the girls in my life that I'll call the "next generation." The high school girls I love and see week in a week out. Sometimes life gets busy or heavy or crazy and I find myself just reeling with burdens for them. For their lives, their hurts, their hopes, their own personal relationships with Jesus. I found myself praying for a few of my own small group girls one night recently, just on my own in my bedroom, feeling especially burdened for a few of them. And as I was thinking of all the specific ways I should/ could pray for them, Jesus kind of helped me narrow it all down to the heart of it. Although I value bringing specific prayer requests to the Lord, in that moment, I realized that the heart of all of those specific things was one bigger thing. There was one thing that both trumped and included all of my other burdens for them. The one thing, in all the things, that I deeply desire for them and have been praying lately for this next generation of girls is this...

That they would love Jesus more than they love ANYTHING or ANYONE else. 

To simply love Jesus above ALL else. I know, it's not flashy. Not super wordy, not super elaborate. But that's it. When all my prayers for them come down to it, I am just praying that their love for Jesus will be THE driving force in their lives.

That they would love Jesus more than they love their future plans, more than they love themselves, more than they love their friends, more than they love their boyfriends, or their schedules, or their schoolwork, or their accomplishments, and more than they love our youth group or our church or even this city.

Yes I want them to know God's word, to walk in purity, to make wise decisions about college, to honor their parents, to be loyal friends, to be honest, to work hard, to persevere, to be committed to the community of believers in the local church. Of course I want all those things for them. But I really truly believe that if Jesus is their biggest passion, their number one love, their first priority, and the axis around which their whole life revolves, those other things will become symptoms of that great love.

To love Jesus more than anything or anyone else. I pray that God's Word and what HE says will mean more in their lives and carry more weight than their own feelings, than what their best friend says, than what I say, than what their boyfriend or their crush thinks, than what a celebrity says, or even than what they read in any good book.

I believe that if they love Jesus with all they are, obedience will follow. That saying yes to God's best for their lives - in their relationships, in their future plans, in their families, in their decisions - will be something they're compelled to do, HAVE to do, even when its hard.

There have been so many decisions I've made over the years, even decisions that weren't fun at the time, that were simply motivated ultimately by my love for Jesus. That love motivated my trust in Him. That trust compelled my obedience to Him. And as I obeyed more, I loved more, and trusted more, and then obeyed more, and loved more, and trusted more. A beautiful cycle.

As we ended our small group discussion last night, that's what I prayed for them, "Lord, I pray that they would love you more than anyone or anything else."

I heard Beth Moore say in a Bible study once that, in her own life and for the lives of others, she had begun simply asking the Lord for more love for Him. And as I thought about that, I've been so convinced that I need to be praying that in my own life and for the people I love.

I think about John 14:15, when Jesus tells His disciples, "If you love me, you will keep my commandments."

Sometimes I pray for others, in more specific ways, that they'll keep God's commandments. That they'll obey Jesus. But I've often neglected to simply pray that they'll love Him like crazy. The kind of life that takes over their whole hearts and lives and transforms the trajectory of their decisions, relationships, and dreams for the rest of their lives. We prioritize what we love. Sometimes it really is that simple. We'll make time for the things and the people we are absolutely obsessed with. For this next generation of girls, I'm praying that obsession is Jesus.

The other thing that happens when I begin praying that my sweet girls would LOVE JESUS ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE, is that I come face-to-face with the reality that I have absolutely no control over that reality in their lives. I mean, I can encourage them to obey Jesus, to follow Him, tell them that He IS worth following, challenge them to read the Word, and walk with them through the practical, nitty gritty life stuff. But I cannot MAKE them love Jesus more.

I can inspire and encourage behavior-change, but I can't do heart change, I've said for a long time that IF heart change was in my court, it would be way too tempting to take all the credit when someone said YES to Jesus and walked with Him faithfully and, conversely, unbearably devastating when they decided they didn't want to follow Him. Only Jesus. Only Jesus does the heart level change. Only Jesus can affect and transform them and LOVE them in a way that will ultimately change the extent to which they love Him back. I hope with everything in me that I would love Jesus in a way that would help them WANT to love Jesus with their lives, and that I would love them as Jesus would have me love them, but I can't do more than that. That's a Jesus thing.

It's something I want to begin intentionally praying over my own life, praying over others, both in their presence and when I'm alone. And to speak that prayer into their lives in hopes that, when it all comes down to it, they would KNOW that that is my hope and dream and biggest prayer for their whole lives. The one thing that matters more than anything else.

Even when you feel like giving up, don't.

Back in September, my husband and I attempted an eating plan called Whole 30. Basically, for 30 days, just you take all the JOY out of eating. Not really. But kind of. No grains, no dairy, no sugar, no processed food, no ingredients that you can't pronounce. Its actually a super healthy way to eat. Really, it is. But by day four I was putting cream back in my coffee, you know, because plain coffee just isn't a pleasant start to the day. I kept saying to Michael, “It’s not that its too hard, I just don’t want to do it.” To which he would reply, smiling slightly, "So then it IS too hard." Days went on, and we debated giving up lots of times, but I was just generally a little cranky and so hungry and sort of bitter toward the whole thing. So on day 17 we had cake from Konditorei and called it good. And we felt something. . . happiness. Oh yes. Essentially, we quit. I was a quitter. BUT I’ll never know how great I COULD have felt after 30 days because I didn’t give it enough time. It got “too hard” so I quit.

But I bet I'm not the only person who has ever quit something. If we're honest, I bet we all have things in our lives that make us want to give up.

Maybe for some of us its a class at school. We feel like we’re just NEVER really going to understand geometry, so we stop trying (I mean, does anyone understand geometry?) Or maybe you've been playing on a sports team for several seasons now, and your coach still hasn't made you a starter. So you're tempted to just be done. Or maybe its a friendship, and you keep arguing, and it seems like one of you is always mad, so you wonder if it would be easier if you just went your separate ways. Or maybe it feels like every time you go home your family just doesn't feel like a family, and it's never easy to be there. So you wonder if, when you’re 18, you should just move out and send ‘em an annual Christmas card and call it good. Or maybe you’ve been wrestling with a certain struggle or sin or weakness, and you just can’t seem to get past it. And you’ve started to wonder, “Maybe I’ll just always be… angry… anxious… depressed… addicted… lustful… a liar…”

I think a lot of us freak out when we've decided to walk with Jesus, and hard stuff and scary stuff still happens in our life, and we think "I didn't sign up for this God. I'm done with you." Or maybe there's some of us who have gotten so frustrated because we can't "feel" God's presence with us and other people are talking about how they can FEEL God near them and HEAR God speaking to them and we just wonder if maybe the whole thing isn't for us anymore because its not “working,” (whatever that means). But you know what? Here's what I'm finding: at some point, if it hasn't happened already, your life, my life, whether you know Jesus or not, will get difficult. Even if just for a season.

Walking with Jesus won't feel "fun" at some point. So how can we prepare, so that when following Jesus gets tough, our only option isn't "Well, it's just too hard. I give up"? When that happens, here's the ONE thing I want you to remember:

Even when you feel like giving up. . .don’t.

Thankfully, God's Word encourages us by telling us ahead of time that 1) life might get tough, and 2) there's some things we can keep in mind when that happens. Take a look at Hebrews 12:1-3:

 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

*First of all, the "great cloud of witnesses" sounds mystical and mysterious, but really it's just a fancy way of saying "an awesome group of people who have walked with Jesus before us." Take a look at Hebrews 11 when you have a minute and just read about ALL the people who trusted God and obeyed God LONG before we were in the picture, even in spite of their sin and doubt and weakness. When I read Hebrews 12:1 I hear, "Soooo, since there have been, like, A LOT of people who have followed Jesus before you, YOU CAN DO IT TOO!"

What I love about this group of people being mentioned is that it makes it IMPOSSIBLE for us to truly believe that we are alone or that we have it the hardest.  I believe one of Satan’s greatest tactics in 1) keeping followers of Jesus from stepping into the fullness of God’s plans for them AND 2) keeping many people from wanting to follow Jesus at all is to convince them that their life is THE hardest. I think many believers are stuck believing some things like this: No one has EVER had as difficult of circumstances as I have. OR No one has had a worse past than me, I'm too broken to be able to follow Jesus. OR All THOSE people can walk with Jesus, but I can't. You don't understand. OR No one has ever been as tempted by this sin as I am! OR No one has ever screwed up more than I have. Satan wants to keep our eyes fixed on our circumstances and on ourselves, so that we won’t fix our eyes on Jesus and move forward.

Okay, let's move on. What do we do with all of that other stuff in Hebrews 12? For starters, the mental imagery we're given here is of a race! The call: RUN. WITH PERSEVERANCE. THE RACE MARKED OUT FOR US. If you were hoping the Christian life would just be fluffy and cheery all the time, I hate to burst your bubble. The fact that the word PERSEVERANCE is used here to describe the way we are called to run tells me that I might not always WANT to run. Spoiler alert: we might, at some point, feeling like giving up. There I said it. And that’s okay to admit.You don’t NEED perseverance for easy things. But perseverance is the thing that kicks in when you want to quit and says, “Even when you feel like giving up, don’t.”

I'm guessing that some of you reading this LOVE running, and some of you HATE running. I tend to side with the second group, no offense, runners. I have mad respect for you.  But growing up, I was always a sprinter. The 100 meter dash was my jam. And when I say “always,” I mean, in the Jaycee Relays, on the Crossler Middle School track team. I was ALWAYS a sprinter. But my sister was a cross country runner. She and every other runner raves about something they call “runners high.” They say its just SO euphoric and amazing. I say, I’ll believe it when I see it. So often when I see runners finishing a long race, their face is contorted by pain, they are wheezing and heaving and then they fall down at the finish line. Soooo yeah. Sign me up.

You know what, though? I appreciate that the author of Hebrews compared our Christian life to running...the kind of running that requires perseverance. Don’t we all kind of feel like those runners sometimes? Like someone might just need to carry us for a bit? Perseverance means we keep going even when it sucks. Following Jesus is not a sprint. This is a long-distance, long term thing. More like a marathon. Which, in any other context of my life, I have no desire to participate in. But the marathon of following Jesus? I’m in. We have to run, even when it isn’t fun. Keep going. Even when we come to parts of OUR RACE that we don’t care for. Hills. Mud. Hard trails. Twists and turns we didn't see coming.

I KNOW there are those of you who have some really dark places in your story. In your past, in your right now even. There are some very-not-fun places in my story as well. There are twists and turns in my race right now that make me want to pull over and sit in the grass and pick daisies and stop running. But I can’t give up. I won't give up.

Even when you feel like giving up, don’t.  Because you know what? There’s a race marked out for us. But what’s the key to being able to KEEP RUNNING? Look back at Hebrews 12:2, “FIXING OUR EYES on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith.” Fixing our eyes. Not looking over here or over there but just looking to Jesus. And running. And looking to Jesus. And running.

Let me give you an example. If you have your driver's license, you may have heard of a concept called object fixation.  Essentially that means that, where you look, you’ll go. If you don’t want to crash into that tree, look at the road, not the tree. So it got me thinking. If I’m constantly thinking about my sin, I’ll probably keep messing up. If I’m constantly dwelling on my past, I’ll have a really hard time moving forward into what God has for my future. If I’m constantly looking around comparing myself to other runners, I might get discouraged that I’m not as fast as her or as in shape as him and wonder, "Why am I running at all?" But if I look to JESUS, I remember that He is the one who created me to run, and the one who will help me keep going! If we bail, we don’t get to experience all that the PIONEER and PERFECTER of our faith is just waiting to accomplish in our lives if we’ll just keep running. If we’ll keep looking to Him.

Looking to Jesus gives us perspective. Jesus, “...who, for the JOY set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.”

I'm not over-dramatizing when I say this, but Jesus did the hardest thing in all of human history. He entered our world as a human. He became the ultimate sacrifice for every sin you and I have ever done and will ever do, and every sin in all of human history. He died the most brutal death in the form of crucifixion, to take on himself the punishment we deserved for all the times we’ve messed up, all for the JOY set before Him. All so that WE could have life and forgiveness and hope and relationship with Him. Jesus was able to look beyond the immediate to the ultimate.  Why?  SO THAT we may not grow weary or fainthearted. He endured so that we can endure. When it feels like the world is crumbling in on you, remember that Jesus never gave up on you.

Even when you feel like giving up, don’t.

You guys, running in this race called following Jesus is the most epic, significant, worthwhile thing you will ever do. But what does this look like in real life? In YOUR real life, in your family, at school, at work, when you and I wake up tomorrow morning? Let's take this to a really practical level.

When you’re suffering some kind of massive loss or heartbreak, and you feel so sad you almost can’t breathe and the idea of giving God any praise feels like the most unnatural thing in the world… don’t give up. When struggling for sexual purity feels impossible and requires more self-control than you even feel like you have, don’t give up. When you’re trying so hard to restore a relationship and it feels like a lost cause, don’t give up. When you’re wrestling with questions and doubts about who you are, and who God is, and you feel like its useless… keep asking questions… keep having conversations… but don’t just give up. When you feel suffocated by the weight of depression and have started to wonder if it might be better just to end it all… please. . .don’t give up. When you feel isolated and alone because no one else in your family knows Jesus and shuts you down every time you try to talk about Him, just keep living for Jesus one day at a time... but don’t give up. When everything in life seems like its going wrong and it FEELS like God is far away, this is the part of the race where perseverance gets real and you might even hate it... just don’t give up. When it seems like everyone else is having more fun because they don’t care about right and wrong and they think you’re “lame” and they stop inviting you to things because you’re no “fun,” and you wonder if you just “did this” or “dressed like that,” maybe you could fit in, don’t just give in because everyone else is… do the right thing...don’t give up. When the temptation to (insert sin here) spread a rumor, drink, gossip about your friend, go to that party, lie to your parents, smoke that weed, cheat on that test, look at that website, is almost unbearable and you feel like you HAVE to give in… Consider Jesus… and don’t give up. And when you HAVE given in to temptation and feel defeated and feel like you’ll never be able to run this race like you hoped you would. . .Consider Jesus… and don’t give up. And when there’s something you’ve been praying for and praying for for so long and it doesn’t feel like God even hears you and day by day your hope is dwindling… don’t give up.

And if you're reading this and you aren’t yet a follower of Jesus, and you still just aren’t sure about this whole Jesus thing, I want to invite you… don’t give up on Him yet. Maybe there are other things in your life right now that you are tempted to give up on (goals, relationships, hopes, dreams) and I can still challenge you, don’t give up. If you're a high school student, come join us at RIOT next week and hear more about Jesus. Continue to consider that He loves you SO much and offers you a personal relationship with Himself and forgiveness for every way you’ve ever messed up.

My prayer for each of you, whether you're in high school or college or a full on grown-up, is that you would choose now to walk with Jesus for the rest of your lives, no matter what your future holds. I know for me, I want to be a part of that “cloud of witnesses” one day. I hope that someone might be able to look at my life, and say, “Kristin walked faithfully, not perfectly, but FAITHFULLY with Jesus all her days, even when it got really hard... You know what...I can walk with Him too!” One day, at the end of our lives, after we’ve persevered, we will finish the race and it will be a glorious thing.

But for now, just imagine with me for a minute…

What if we became the generation who did not give up? Who didn’t walk away from our faith just because sin is tempting and persecution is real and opposition is scary and being different takes courage? We could be the next generation’s cloud of witnesses.

The people who help the reverse the statistics of the number of people who walk away from their faith after they graduate. Maybe more middle school students would get to high school believing that it is possible to KEEP walking with Jesus through high school into adulthood because they’d seen it done by you guys. More high school students would graduate with some resolve that they could KEEP walking with Jesus in college. 

Maybe we could be those people whose very lives are making their friends think twice about Jesus because they’re drawn to what they see in us.

What if we became the generation who kept walking with Jesus even when a few months go by without being able to “feel” His presence, because we choose to TRUST that if He says He is with us, then He’s with us?

What if other people saw our lives and gave THEIR lives to Jesus simply because of the way they saw us run and keep running?

Imagine if we became the generation who stopped letting our feelings determine whether or not Jesus is worth following, and who let JESUS demonstrate the hope and the truth and the reality THROUGH US that there’s nothing and no one else worth giving our lives to!

What if we became the generation who just DID NOT GIVE UP, EVEN WHEN WE FELT LIKE IT?

You can do this. It will be worth it, I promise.

Even when you feel like giving up . . . don’t.

Loaves and Fishes

The Bible story of the loaves and the fishes has been on my mind a lot since this past weekend. For anyone who is reading this and maybe is unfamiliar with the Bible or is new to the story of Jesus, here's the summarized version of the story (you can also read about it in Mark 6:30-43):

 Jesus and his disciples had been super busy helping others so they got on a boat and headed off for some rest and quiet time together. 

 The crowds of people saw them get on the boat and recognized that it was Jesus and the disciples, so they ran ahead of them to meet them on the shore of Jesus' ship's destination (um. stalkers? come on, people!) 

Instead of being irritated at the people or bitter that they wouldn't leave Him alone, Jesus "had compassion on them," and decided to spend time with them, teaching them. 

THEN it started to get dark; disciples are tired. Maybe a little mad that the people have interrupted their should-have-been-restful getaway. Their idea? Send the people away to get something to eat. That'll motivate them to leave, right? When they realize that its dinnertime and they're hungry. Honestly, I probably would have wanted to send the people away too. That's sadly my default when I'm tired and peopled-out. I'm an introvert by design. But Jesus disagreed... 

He told the disciples that THEY should give the people something to eat. Baffled of course, the disciples are all, "Do you want us to go broke trying to feed all these people? We'd have to go to Costco to buy enough food!" (Okay, there was no Costco, but we're talking mass quantities here.) 

Jesus asks them what they DO have. Answer: 5 loaves of bread. And, oh yeah, 2 fish. Awesome. Everyone can nibble on this. BUT JESUS took what the disciples had, looked up to heaven and said a blessing, and broke the bread and divided the fish to be given out among the people. 

The crowds sat down in groups, and after everything was passed around, "all ate and were satisfied." AND there were 12 baskets of broken pieces leftover. AND the story tells us that there were 5,000 MEN who were fed there that day (story doesn't even account for women and children!) WOAH. 

Jesus made MUCH out of some. He brought A LOT from a little. He turned what we would view as lack and turned it into abundance (there were leftovers!) 

This past weekend was our annual church garage sale to benefit our high school Spring Break Missions. Leading up to the sale, we kept looking at what had been donated and thinking, "I don't know if we have what we need. We have so much less stuff to sell than we have in years past." I knew in my heart, deep deep down, that Jesus KNEW what we needed to make these trips happen, and knew that He would provide like he always does. But we felt a little like we had 5 loaves and 2 fish. I didn't want to be nervous about it but sometimes I just felt nervous. 

BUT THEN JESUS, proved Himself again as He always has. With what we had to sell, God provided MORE than enough to send our students out over Spring Break, and we had SO many items leftover (which made clean-up a pretty big chore, but I'm so thankful that we had too much rather than too little!) I don't know how God uses all of those second-hand "junk" treasures to provide what we need to help our students go serve Him over Spring Break. But HE DOES AND HE DID. I'm so thankful. 

This reminder leaves me grateful and stirs in me a desire for a heightened awareness of what else in my life might seem like "lack" but presents an opportunity for God to show Himself as my perfect, abundant, faithful, provider. What about you? Where have you seen God come through and provide above and beyond what you expected? 

"Now to HIM who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us..." {Ephesians 3:20} 

PS. My score from the garage sale? A PENDLETON BLANKET. Hello! Also, a fabulous mirror. And a vase. Annnnd an iron. *Somehow, between our wedding registry and our almost 2 years of marriage, we have not owned an iron. We bought a puppy, but not an iron. Priorities? For the first 5 months of married life we must have just worn wrinkly clothes I guess, and since then we've used our parents' irons  (made possible by our unique living arrangements.) SO for any of you who've looked upon our sometimes wrinkly clothes with disdain and thought "why can't they figure this out?!" there's your explanation. We'll start ironing more, now.

Philippians 4:6-7

Happy Monday, friends! 
Well. I did what I purposed not to do. I made a commitment to write some devotional thoughts on my blog each Monday, which I did one time (like 6 weeks ago), and then stopped doing it! Dangit. But, determined to give myself grace, I'm doing it today, trying not to feel flaky or anything for not doing it for a while. 

Today I just want to camp out on one of my FAVE verses, one of my "heart cry" versesi since I have a more... nervous, anxious, worried personality BY DEFAULT. I don't want to be this day, and God has been graciously and faithfully molding me and working on me for YEARS on this. 

 "...do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus ." {Philippians 4:6-7}

Okay. The "do not be anxious" part is the part I need most help with. I don't know about you, but sometimes I seriously, passively just let my mind wander around in "worst case scenario" mentality about things that have not actually happened, situations I'm not actually dealing with, and aspects of our future that I have so little control over. It's a terrible habit. It's not any fun, and it's no good for me, and it's not honoring to Jesus. However, while it's GOOD to camp out on the "do not be anxious" imperative, the part of this verse that I'm LOVING and is motivating to choose trust, faith, and peace in place of worry and anxiety is this: 

AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS. 

If I will do my part, in God's strength, to lay down my anxiety and fear and worried thoughts, HE will be the one to guard both my heart and mind with a peace that I can't explain apart from HIM. I want this! This promise is my jam. But without my conscious choice to surrender my fear of the unknown, my anxiety about the future, and my worry about today, I foolishly rob myself of an incredible opportunity to experience the peace of God over even my most fickle emotions and thoughts. Come on, Kristin, let Jesus win this one. 

I don't know what you're anxious about today, but let's choose to trade anxiety for trust and LET God rock our worlds, hearts (emotions), and minds (thoughts) by the power of JESUS with peace that will be a witness to those around us that God's peace is the best there is! 

Also, for those of you who are like me and are stirred up by some good, true, worship music, give Matt Redman's new album "Your Grace Finds Me" a listen. I can't get enough of the truth in these words - especially this song (forgive the cheesey space/ universe backgrounds, because its SO good!) 

Redeeming Mondays {devotional thoughts on Psalm 34:8-10}

In 2013 I launched a new blog, with the well-meaning goal of writing/ blogging more. I don't want to say that I failed, but the amount of times I actually blogged were few and far between. As I approached 2014, I knew that writing was something I wanted to do more of, but wasn't sure how to be consistent, wasn't sure what to write about, or why I even wanted to.

 So here is my small goal: to write one "devotional" each Monday. I'll call these "redeeming Mondays." Sometimes I'm tired when Monday rolls around, and I want to give myself something to really press into and look forward to. So with no real system in mind, the plan is simply to start by writing short devotionals on some of my beloved, very favorite passages of Scripture. I NEED to process and dig in to Scripture for my own walk with Jesus, and I believe that it is not outside of the realm of possibility that each weekly Scripture might bless, challenge, or encourage someone else. 

Week 1 {Psalm 34:8-10} 

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!

    Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

9 

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,

    for those who fear him have no lack!

10 

The young lions suffer want and hunger;

    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

I'm not opposed to new year's resolutions and goals; Michael and I have several that we're praying through and working toward in the coming year. But sometimes, for me, the temptation is to get so wrapped up in the goals and the "what I don't have yet," that I forget the "what is." I'm not wrapped up ENOUGH in the "what I have," in the "who I already am." Not in a selfish way. Rather, in a grateful, contented way. There is SO much to look forward to in this life, yet there is SO MUCH GOOD TODAY. I am challenging myself to remember that, while Jesus is daily transforming me and helping me become the version of myself HE desires me to be, He has placed HIS goodness and gifts in and around me this very day. 

In the midst of all that I'm looking to, dreaming about, praying about - in my marriage, my ministry, my plans - I WANT to remember that, in my seeking Jesus, "I lack no good thing." I have all I need for this very day, this very moment, as I LOOK TO HIM. 

Seeking the Lord is the key to unlocking my understanding and belief that I HAVE EVERY GOOD THING. Does this mean that there is not more in store for my life than what I have right now? No. But it means that I can relish the fact that in tasting and seeing God's goodness, in fearing Him, and seeking Him, I get to live in the reality that I lack NO good thing. 

Does this mean that my life is without disappointments or struggles either? No. I love how John Piper describes this tension: “Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And the point of biblical stories like Joseph and Job and Esther and Ruth is to help us feel in our bones (not just know in our heads) that God is for us in all these strange turns. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far-reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ" (from his book A Sweet and Bitter Providence: Sex, Race, and the Sovereignty of God.) 

It is IN JESUS that we have every good thing. This is not a hollow, cheap promise that "life" will give us every good thing. Let me be clear. It is in LOOKING TO THE LORD that we lack no good thing. Physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, financially, relationally, we may see evidences or traces of "lack" in the earthly sense. But the bigger picture here is that what is TRULY good, what we TRULY need, the Lord Himself, we have all of at all times. 

The truth and reality is this: 

"And God is ABLE to make ALL GRACE abound to you, so that having ALL SUFFICIENCY in ALL THINGS at ALL TIMES, you may abound in every good work." 

{2 Corinthians 9:8, ESV} 

Whatever it is that you're hoping for, dreaming of, striving for, praying for in this coming year, commit to remembering the truth and promise that in seeking the Lord, you lack no good thing. Let that reality transform the WAY you pray, the way you wait, and the way you hope. Praying Jesus transforms me in this. 

for anyone who has ever had a hard day in ministry

// photo courtesy of tumblr // 

Moment of bravery here. Sometimes I have this thought. This thought that I'd like to write a book one day. So I started it. Several months ago, I sat down and just started writing. Dreaming. Thinking. Wondering what parts of my heart the Lord might want to lift to the surface, print on pages, and use in some way. This is the theoretical first chapter of my theoretical book:

Honesty

For some reason this year, more than ever, the Lord has been stirring in my heart to write down, to acknowledge, to speak out loud, a confession: 

Ministry is hard. 

Ministry. Is. Hard.

Ministry is hard for me.   

The secret’s out. The very thing that I feel called to with my life, the very thing that makes me come alive, the very thing that sparks passion and drive and purpose in me, is hard. It fatigues me. It burdens me. It stirs in me the highest highs and the lowest lows. I can’t think of much else that causes me so much pain and joy sometimes in the same day or the same hour. Within the same week, it’s not an uncommon occurrence that these conflicting thoughts can take place in my heart:

1.    “There’s NOTHING else in the whole world I’d rather do with my life. I was made for this.”

2.    “Why in the world am I doing this with my life? I’m not good at this.”

I remind myself of the person spoken of in James 1:8, “double-minded…unstable in all [her] ways.” Yikes.

Sometimes I just turn my phone off. I have to. If I can just take a break from the texts, calls, emails, and Facebook messages, sometimes I feel like I can get off the hamster wheel that I, in my folly, allow my life to become at times.

What am I afraid of, though? More burdens? The inconvenience of someone else’s troubles changing my day around? The awkwardness I feel when tragedy strikes and I need to be there to comfort someone but feel like I don’t belong in that moment and don’t know what to say? I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. I’m afraid of saying the right thing and offending someone with truth. There’s always that chance that when I attempt to “speak the truth in love” [eph. 4:15] that I’ll botch the truth/love ratio and speak too much of one and lack the other. It’s easy to err on the side of grace with the people who’s approval I want and NEED. And it’s much too easy to err on the side of truth (sans grace) with people who I don’t really care for (that’s the needs-redemption part of me, just so we’re clear). I cringe at the thought.  

Oy. The thing about ministry that makes it both incredible and incredibly difficult is the nature of it. It involves people. And life. And peoples’ lives. The apostle Paul got it right. He knew that the stakes were high and the investment would be exponential in both its cost and its reward. How blessed the early church in Thessolonica must have been when they read his words to them in his first letter to them.

“But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us” [1 Thess. 1:7-8 ESV].wse

Ministry involves life.  The best and worst and prettiest and ugliest and easiest and hardest parts. It’s messy and fun. For me it often involves coffee {i do love my coffee}. Or food. Or ministry in the evenings more often than mornings. Or hanging out at high schools during lunch – a weekly habit we’ve decided among our staff that would be very creepy if we weren’t there as student ministry leaders. Or rounds of the game “Dump, date, marry” {kind of an awesome and awful and hilarious game if you’ve never played}.

Paul compared ministry to taking care of children. Sometimes high school ministry literally feels like taking care of children. I won’t even begin to describe how that feeling is amplified when you work with middle schoolers. I’ve been there. Middle school staff of the world: LORD BLESS YOU AND STRENGTHEN YOU. But the way that metaphor about children plays itself out is it conveys the picture of constant, never ending exertion of emotional, physical, and spiritual energy, all with the goal of helping to grow and “raise” someone else in the Lord. It also conveys affection. Deep love and compassion. Fierce commitment. An unwavering devotion to walk someone through abundant growth spurts and stunted seasons of doubt, sin, and apathy. It’s the whole package. 

It’s about sharing the Gospel first, sharing ourselves second. That distinction is crucial. Going to basketball games, lunches, and out for coffee is great. It’s easy to think that that is what “incarnational ministry” (life on life, like Jesus did), entails. But anyone can do that. Non-Christians do that and call that “mentoring.” Followers of Jesus do that and call it discipleship, rightfully so. The Gospel trumps sleepovers, game nights, and camping trips. Those events and moments help translate the heart of God through a leader, but the ability within them to produce a memory or experience will never and should never supercede the Gospel.

What about you? 

What's something you need to acknowledge? 

To be honest about?

Maybe to speak out loud? 

What burdens you? 

What drives you?

If you're considering going into "full-time" ministry, keep serving Jesus wherever He has you, continue to pray about it and let the Lord lead...remain excited and never lose that passion! But also, be aware that it's not perfect, its often less "glamorous" than it appears (in case anyone thought that) and there will be a lot of ways that you serve and obey Jesus that only HE will see. Still worth it.

If you're in ministry, be encouraged. Whether this is a season where you feeling like you're thriving OR barely hanging on. Continue running to Jesus. {I often forget that not a day goes by that I need Jesus' grace LESS. Those days that I forget my need for Him are often the days I have deceived myself into thinking I'm more awesome than I actually am}.

Praying we can all strive to be passionate but never at the cost of being brave in being honest. And being OKAY with saying, at the end of some of our hardest days, "That. Was a hard day." And at the end of the most incredible fulfilling days, being able to say, "That. Was an incredible day. To GOD be the glory!"

xoxo,

kristin