I've started noticing a pattern in my life over the past few years. I've started realizing that somehow nearly every season feels like a busy season. Granted, each year has kind of a natural ebb and flow depending on what we have going on in ministry, and there absolutely are seasons that are more full and seasons that are less full. January-March is generally pretty busy as we gear up to send our high school students out on up to four different missions trips over spring break. May-July tends to be pretty packed with student transitions and summer camps. And September-November have the potential to fill up quick, since they are the months that we've been waiting for to do other retreats/ events that we didn't have time for in the summer. April is a breathing month. August is a breathing month. December is a breathing month. I look forward to those each year. Time to take a step back, to get organized, to plan ahead for the next season. But sometimes I find that I'm so tired (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally) by the time those breaks come around, that I miss out on the opportunity to simply "enjoy life" during those months.
I can't blame it on ministry. I can't blame it on my job. I mean, I could, technically, but not really. Ministry can make for a very full life. But believe there's more to it than that. This is bigger than that. I think this comes down to how I do my job. How I live my life.
I slowly realized that my investment in relationships had slowly dwindled...when friends and I would try to make plans, I often said, "yes! Lets do it, maybe after _______________ when my life slows down a bit." And then I was tired. And things didn't really slow down.
I hate when people approach me or send me a Facebook message or plan a meeting with me and start their initial invitation with, "I know you're super busy, but..." That's tough to hear. Is that the impression I give? Because that certainly doesn't make me super approachable. Not to mention, I don't want to just be busy as a way of life. Sometimes in ministry there is an ongoing pressure to achieve, to perform, to be "doing" things in order to "seem" effective. Sometimes the pressure comes from others, but sometimes it simply comes from inside of me. The pressure I put on myself is often the heaviest to bear. Sometimes I feel stuck on a hamster wheel of yeses in my life, committing to things, agreeing to things, and then resenting ALL of those things for not LETTING me off the wheel that I'm CHOOSING to run on -- and I don't even LIKE running! Oh the irony. Welcome to my brain. Exhausting, I know. We're working on it (and when I say "we" I mean Jesus and me; He's doing the work, I'm cooperating)!
As this past summer was winding down and we looked ahead to the Fall, we started making plans and dreaming about all the things we could say yes to now that our "busy season" was wrapping up. An international missions trip, a retreat with our students, vacations, seminary for Michael, performing in a Country Music night, launching a big relationship/ sex series at our weekly high school gathering, and definitely slowing down were on the horizon for us. But for some reason it wasn't all adding up. We couldn't figure out how to make it all work. The slow season was beginning to feel ... not slow, already. Not to mention, we had just bought our first house over the summer and so renovation/ moving took up much of August - our other "breathing month."
Something's gotta change. Otherwise nothing will change.
One afternoon, Michael and I were in our weekly meeting (yes, we have weekly meetings. With each other. Even though we're married. Since we work together full time, we have to schedule meetings as well as dates). I can be a little emotionally inconsistent when it comes to schedule stuff. Sometimes I want to slash everything out of the calendar. Sometimes everything sounds fun and doable. On this particular day, Michael and I were doing the dance - the balancing, scheduling dance, trying to get on the same page about the next few months. In the moment, I was suggesting that we do some kind of Fall retreat with our students. I was suggesting adding another thing. I know, right? After all of that! Told you, I'm inconsistent sometimes. Michael looked at me and said something like, "Why is it that sometimes you want to add more to our schedule? And other times you don't want to add any more? I don't want to do one more thing." He had a point.
After processing lots of this with a good friend over some Panera, Michael and I went back to Panera (which is apparently a great processing place, specifically the outdoor patio on a nice day), and began asking some of the hard questions.
What if our busy season has become more than a season?
Why does it feel like we are always in one?
What can we do about it?
How do we say yes to God in the ways He wants us to?
How can we say no even to good things?
If we say no to something as good as a mission trip, is that considered being disobedient to God?
That was an important conversation for us to have. One that we'll probably revisit lots of times. For us in this season it meant saying no to the big mission trip so we could say yes to doing all of our already-committed-to, weekly ministry really intentionally and really well. It meant saying no to planning an extra student retreat so we could have say yes to a short getaway with our volunteer discipleship staff and invest extra deeply in them so that they feel encouraged and equipped as they invest in students.
I've been reading through Lisa Terkeurst's newest book, The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands , and I've been challenged to think critically about the things I say YES to. In her book she quotes Louie Giglio who says, "Every time you say yes to something, there is less of you for something else. Make sure your yes is worth the less."
Growing up, my mom had a similar saying that always stuck with me, "Whenever you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else." You may not always be aware when you say yes, but because you said yes, it may mean that you have to say no to something else that comes along. Conversely, whenever you say no to something, you leave room and space and margin in your life to say yes when an opportunity arises. There is always an exchange. My wise mother also always used to compare life to a piece of notebook paper, the kind with margins. She likened it to writing a paper, leaving white space in the margins, so that if you need to add an idea or make an adjustment, you have space in the margin to do so. But if you write from edge-to-edge, using up every inch of that margin, editing, adding, or improving that writing becomes difficult. It gets messy. Margin is good. Space is good. A schedule that is not packed edge-to-edge is good.
There are seasons of my life where I feel like I'm doing a really good job at this. And other times where, all of a sudden, I realize that my "busy season" has become my normal. And there is less of me for so many good things. Less of me emotionally, mentally, physically, for people and tasks God has put in my life, and even less of me to really invest in my own walk with Jesus. I'm learning. I'm growing.
I'm still asking a lot of questions. The Lord has my attention and I truly, deeply, want to know more about what this looks like lived out. And it will change, again and again, but I want to keep asking those questions. I don't want to be the girl who is always in a busy season, I don't think that's what any us really crave. Living on purpose? Yes. Being willing and available? Yes. Living life for Jesus to the fullest? Yes. But busy? No.
I think whether you're in high school, college, working full-time, single, married, parenting, serving in ministry, or even retired, this is something we all wrestle with. It is, as Andy Stanley would say, "Not a problem to solve, but a tension to manage." I don't know that we will figure it out, once and for all, this side of Heaven. We live in the tension created by our schedules, our desires, our dreams, relationships, commitments, ambitions, and the mundane tasks of our lives. The give and take. The push and pull. And managing and surrendering and pressing in and stepping back works differently for each of us.
I don't believe there is a formula for exactly how this looks in everyone's life at all times. I wish it were that simple. I'm thankful for the Lord's grace in helping me navigate this, and for the friends and family who walk alongside me as I do.
But it's worth asking the question, no matter who you are, "Has my 'busy season' become more than a season?"
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