The Bible story of the loaves and the fishes has been on my mind a lot since this past weekend. For anyone who is reading this and maybe is unfamiliar with the Bible or is new to the story of Jesus, here's the summarized version of the story (you can also read about it in Mark 6:30-43):

 Jesus and his disciples had been super busy helping others so they got on a boat and headed off for some rest and quiet time together. 

 The crowds of people saw them get on the boat and recognized that it was Jesus and the disciples, so they ran ahead of them to meet them on the shore of Jesus' ship's destination (um. stalkers? come on, people!) 

Instead of being irritated at the people or bitter that they wouldn't leave Him alone, Jesus "had compassion on them," and decided to spend time with them, teaching them. 

THEN it started to get dark; disciples are tired. Maybe a little mad that the people have interrupted their should-have-been-restful getaway. Their idea? Send the people away to get something to eat. That'll motivate them to leave, right? When they realize that its dinnertime and they're hungry. Honestly, I probably would have wanted to send the people away too. That's sadly my default when I'm tired and peopled-out. I'm an introvert by design. But Jesus disagreed... 

He told the disciples that THEY should give the people something to eat. Baffled of course, the disciples are all, "Do you want us to go broke trying to feed all these people? We'd have to go to Costco to buy enough food!" (Okay, there was no Costco, but we're talking mass quantities here.) 

Jesus asks them what they DO have. Answer: 5 loaves of bread. And, oh yeah, 2 fish. Awesome. Everyone can nibble on this. BUT JESUS took what the disciples had, looked up to heaven and said a blessing, and broke the bread and divided the fish to be given out among the people. 

The crowds sat down in groups, and after everything was passed around, "all ate and were satisfied." AND there were 12 baskets of broken pieces leftover. AND the story tells us that there were 5,000 MEN who were fed there that day (story doesn't even account for women and children!) WOAH. 

Jesus made MUCH out of some. He brought A LOT from a little. He turned what we would view as lack and turned it into abundance (there were leftovers!) 

This past weekend was our annual church garage sale to benefit our high school Spring Break Missions. Leading up to the sale, we kept looking at what had been donated and thinking, "I don't know if we have what we need. We have so much less stuff to sell than we have in years past." I knew in my heart, deep deep down, that Jesus KNEW what we needed to make these trips happen, and knew that He would provide like he always does. But we felt a little like we had 5 loaves and 2 fish. I didn't want to be nervous about it but sometimes I just felt nervous. 

BUT THEN JESUS, proved Himself again as He always has. With what we had to sell, God provided MORE than enough to send our students out over Spring Break, and we had SO many items leftover (which made clean-up a pretty big chore, but I'm so thankful that we had too much rather than too little!) I don't know how God uses all of those second-hand "junk" treasures to provide what we need to help our students go serve Him over Spring Break. But HE DOES AND HE DID. I'm so thankful. 

This reminder leaves me grateful and stirs in me a desire for a heightened awareness of what else in my life might seem like "lack" but presents an opportunity for God to show Himself as my perfect, abundant, faithful, provider. What about you? Where have you seen God come through and provide above and beyond what you expected? 

"Now to HIM who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us..." {Ephesians 3:20} 

PS. My score from the garage sale? A PENDLETON BLANKET. Hello! Also, a fabulous mirror. And a vase. Annnnd an iron. *Somehow, between our wedding registry and our almost 2 years of marriage, we have not owned an iron. We bought a puppy, but not an iron. Priorities? For the first 5 months of married life we must have just worn wrinkly clothes I guess, and since then we've used our parents' irons  (made possible by our unique living arrangements.) SO for any of you who've looked upon our sometimes wrinkly clothes with disdain and thought "why can't they figure this out?!" there's your explanation. We'll start ironing more, now.

be still.

A few weeks ago the hubs and I found a Living Social deal for a weekend getaway in Sunriver and we splurged for it. Sunriver is my love language, basically. What we didn't know when we planned said weekend, was that it was going to be the weekend of Winter/ Arctic Blast 2014. So you know how there was snow in Salem? There was SNOW in Sunriver. It. Was. Magical. Picture Narnia (as in The Chronicles of Narnia!) And then add some twinkle lights on the roof of the Sunriver Resort and a cozy, cozy room to stay in. Perfection. 

{the pathway we walked each day from our room to the main lodge}

Not only was it an incredibly refreshing, relaxing weekend away with my husband as we head into one of our busiest months of our year (and a chance to watch A LOT of Olympics), but it provided an opportunity to remember one of the things I love most about the snow. . . silence. I marvel at the way that the snow silences noise and seems to calm everything it covers. I don't know how or why God designed things so that snow would have that effect, but it seriously blesses me. The absolute quiet, the blanket of silence was such a gift each time we stepped outside on that snowy weekend. 

The Scripture that kept coming to mind and that keeps coming to mind ever since is Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God." 

That's it. Sometimes THAT is what Jesus is trying to help me remember. Be okay with the silence. Listen. You're so easily distracted by noise and chaos. But this is good. Slow down. Listen. Rest. 

One thing Michael and I had to consciously be careful about over that weekend was not talking too much about work. Now that we serve/ work side by side as High School Directors full time, so much about our life/ ministry/ marriage/ work blurs together. So often, we LOVE it. Sometimes we lay in bed at night and talk about our students, what we love about them and what's burdening us, we brainstorm ideas for retreats and teaching series and how we do RIOT on Wednesday nights, just because its fun and because we can. This is a sweet season. But sometimes, like when we're trying to get away to really focus on one another, there is such a temptation to talk about ministry and church stuff because that truly is so much of our life right now.

I found myself, in the car on the way to our getaway, having to choose and believe that taking a weekend away together was very much in line with the concept of Sabbath. . . pausing work, even work talk, in order to truly rest, believing that GOD is sufficient to take care of all things, honoring and using the work we'd done and were going to do, and blessing the way we would choose to rest in Him and invest in our marriage that weekend. It was an issue of trust, for me. "Ministry talk" could wait. That's the "(Be still) and know that I am God" part. Pause. Trust me. I'm ultimately the One leading this ministry. People are taking care of everything while you're away. Plus, I created this massive snowstorm and church is getting canceled anyway so you're not even missing anything. Just. Be still. And know. That I Am God. 

That whole weekend I had this beautiful sense of awareness and gratitude for how beautiful everything was. I have no idea the next time we'll get to be away on a romantic mini-vacation in the middle of an epically beautiful snowstorm in one of my favorite places in the world. But that's okay. This one was perfect. And it reminded me to appreciate, accept, and even invite silence, with or without snow. 

Philippians 4:6-7

Happy Monday, friends! 
Well. I did what I purposed not to do. I made a commitment to write some devotional thoughts on my blog each Monday, which I did one time (like 6 weeks ago), and then stopped doing it! Dangit. But, determined to give myself grace, I'm doing it today, trying not to feel flaky or anything for not doing it for a while. 

Today I just want to camp out on one of my FAVE verses, one of my "heart cry" versesi since I have a more... nervous, anxious, worried personality BY DEFAULT. I don't want to be this day, and God has been graciously and faithfully molding me and working on me for YEARS on this. 

 "...do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus ." {Philippians 4:6-7}

Okay. The "do not be anxious" part is the part I need most help with. I don't know about you, but sometimes I seriously, passively just let my mind wander around in "worst case scenario" mentality about things that have not actually happened, situations I'm not actually dealing with, and aspects of our future that I have so little control over. It's a terrible habit. It's not any fun, and it's no good for me, and it's not honoring to Jesus. However, while it's GOOD to camp out on the "do not be anxious" imperative, the part of this verse that I'm LOVING and is motivating to choose trust, faith, and peace in place of worry and anxiety is this: 

AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS. 

If I will do my part, in God's strength, to lay down my anxiety and fear and worried thoughts, HE will be the one to guard both my heart and mind with a peace that I can't explain apart from HIM. I want this! This promise is my jam. But without my conscious choice to surrender my fear of the unknown, my anxiety about the future, and my worry about today, I foolishly rob myself of an incredible opportunity to experience the peace of God over even my most fickle emotions and thoughts. Come on, Kristin, let Jesus win this one. 

I don't know what you're anxious about today, but let's choose to trade anxiety for trust and LET God rock our worlds, hearts (emotions), and minds (thoughts) by the power of JESUS with peace that will be a witness to those around us that God's peace is the best there is! 

Also, for those of you who are like me and are stirred up by some good, true, worship music, give Matt Redman's new album "Your Grace Finds Me" a listen. I can't get enough of the truth in these words - especially this song (forgive the cheesey space/ universe backgrounds, because its SO good!) 

Redeeming Mondays {devotional thoughts on Psalm 34:8-10}

In 2013 I launched a new blog, with the well-meaning goal of writing/ blogging more. I don't want to say that I failed, but the amount of times I actually blogged were few and far between. As I approached 2014, I knew that writing was something I wanted to do more of, but wasn't sure how to be consistent, wasn't sure what to write about, or why I even wanted to.

 So here is my small goal: to write one "devotional" each Monday. I'll call these "redeeming Mondays." Sometimes I'm tired when Monday rolls around, and I want to give myself something to really press into and look forward to. So with no real system in mind, the plan is simply to start by writing short devotionals on some of my beloved, very favorite passages of Scripture. I NEED to process and dig in to Scripture for my own walk with Jesus, and I believe that it is not outside of the realm of possibility that each weekly Scripture might bless, challenge, or encourage someone else. 

Week 1 {Psalm 34:8-10} 

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!

    Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

9 

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,

    for those who fear him have no lack!

10 

The young lions suffer want and hunger;

    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

I'm not opposed to new year's resolutions and goals; Michael and I have several that we're praying through and working toward in the coming year. But sometimes, for me, the temptation is to get so wrapped up in the goals and the "what I don't have yet," that I forget the "what is." I'm not wrapped up ENOUGH in the "what I have," in the "who I already am." Not in a selfish way. Rather, in a grateful, contented way. There is SO much to look forward to in this life, yet there is SO MUCH GOOD TODAY. I am challenging myself to remember that, while Jesus is daily transforming me and helping me become the version of myself HE desires me to be, He has placed HIS goodness and gifts in and around me this very day. 

In the midst of all that I'm looking to, dreaming about, praying about - in my marriage, my ministry, my plans - I WANT to remember that, in my seeking Jesus, "I lack no good thing." I have all I need for this very day, this very moment, as I LOOK TO HIM. 

Seeking the Lord is the key to unlocking my understanding and belief that I HAVE EVERY GOOD THING. Does this mean that there is not more in store for my life than what I have right now? No. But it means that I can relish the fact that in tasting and seeing God's goodness, in fearing Him, and seeking Him, I get to live in the reality that I lack NO good thing. 

Does this mean that my life is without disappointments or struggles either? No. I love how John Piper describes this tension: “Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And the point of biblical stories like Joseph and Job and Esther and Ruth is to help us feel in our bones (not just know in our heads) that God is for us in all these strange turns. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far-reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ" (from his book A Sweet and Bitter Providence: Sex, Race, and the Sovereignty of God.) 

It is IN JESUS that we have every good thing. This is not a hollow, cheap promise that "life" will give us every good thing. Let me be clear. It is in LOOKING TO THE LORD that we lack no good thing. Physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, financially, relationally, we may see evidences or traces of "lack" in the earthly sense. But the bigger picture here is that what is TRULY good, what we TRULY need, the Lord Himself, we have all of at all times. 

The truth and reality is this: 

"And God is ABLE to make ALL GRACE abound to you, so that having ALL SUFFICIENCY in ALL THINGS at ALL TIMES, you may abound in every good work." 

{2 Corinthians 9:8, ESV} 

Whatever it is that you're hoping for, dreaming of, striving for, praying for in this coming year, commit to remembering the truth and promise that in seeking the Lord, you lack no good thing. Let that reality transform the WAY you pray, the way you wait, and the way you hope. Praying Jesus transforms me in this. 

Pre-Camp Reflections

John chapter 5 opens on a scene in Jerusalem... a pool. Near what was called the Sheep Gate of the city, and the pool was called Bethesda. The characters? A wide array of what the Scripture refers to in the text as "invalids." These included the blind, the lame, and the paralyzed. {Note: at the time, these people believed that every so often at this pool, an angel of the Lord would come down and stir the waters, and whoever entered the waters first after they were stirred would be healed.}  

We zoom in and notice the man Jesus noticed; a man who had been an invalid and unable to walk for THIRTY EIGHT YEARS. Oh that's a long time. Perhaps 38 years of laying down. Having to constantly rely on others for help. 38 years that was likely accompanied by, as many chronic physical illnesses are, emotional depression and even despair at times. 

Jesus asks him the obvious in verse 6, "Do you want to me healed?" Sometimes I wonder why Jesus asked him that. I mean, if I was crippled for 38 years I think a desire for healing would go without saying. But I actually love that Jesus asked him this. The man's answer was not a simple "YES," however. When asked if he wanted to be healed he went on to explain and describe all the reasons he hadn't been healed before...

1) He had no one to put him into the pool when the water was stirred up; and 

2) Every time he was about to get into the waters, someone went in before him. 

I can understand his frustration. His opportunities for healing, according to his understanding, came and went each time someone else - someone quicker, more able-bodied, perhaps someone with more people willing to help them - beat him to the pool. He was helpless. Or so he thought. 

Jesus' reply? "Get up, take up your bed, and walk" {verse 8}. 

"And AT ONCE the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked" {verse 9}. 

Tomorrow we leave for our annual high school camp. Can't believe that week is here AGAIN. Feels like the year in between last summer's camp and tomorrow just flew by. We're going to load up four buses tomorrow with a bunch of high schoolers, and take them to the middle of nowhere for six days, KNOWING we're gonna have a ton of fun, and KNOWING we serve a God who loves them each and is so hoping to capture, re-capture, or sustain their attention on him. There will be many who are spiritual "invalids," in a sense. Those who don't yet know Jesus as their personal Savior; those who claim to walk with Christ but whose lives, according to the evidence, aren't being lived for Jesus; and others who want to know and follow God, but who have been so deeply wounded in their lives that their own hurt is the biggest obstacle to understanding the HOPE they have in a loving Savior.

The blind. 

The ones whose eyes have been blinded by the enemy thus far (2 Corinthians 4:4), but who are about to become gloriously wide-eyed as the grace of Jesus becomes real in their lives!

The lame. 

Those who have allowed their passion, resolve, and obedience in daily decisions to be debilitated by the seemingly more alluring influences and pressures of the world we live in. 

The paralyzed

Those who are so deeply wounded by others, by themselves, by evil, that every relationship/ emotion in their life is clouded and stunted by the hurts that they carry. The hurts they're trying to heal in so many ways. 

Like the man who had been an invalid for 38 years, the invalid life is all that some of our students know. Maybe they've even gotten comfortable being dissatisfied, unloved, disobedient. 

Some students have sought "healing," and wholeness in their lives in so many different ways. Popularity, success, recognition, drugs, alcohol, self-afflicted wounds, relationships, sex, TV, their iPhone, social media, etc. Some have become so desperate and feel so utterly hopeless that the best, most permanent idea they can think of is just to end it all. Figuratively, they could travel from "pool" to "pool," hoping to dip into what they think will solve the emptiness and the hurt once and for all. 

Only to come to camp this week, where I believe Jesus is going to ask the obvious of many students: 

"Do you WANT to be healed?" 

Do you want to be made whole? 

Do you want to live a life of meaning? 

Are you ready for your life to be different? 

True life change won't just happen by accident. Jesus wants our YES; and with that, He can and will, as I've seen many times, truly, deeply overhaul us from the inside out in the most beautiful way. 

Some will answer with excuses... things in they are unwilling to change; sins or habits they don't want to surrender; perhaps they're convinced Jesus doesn't understand that they have MORE hurt than He could ever possibly understand or truly heal; or it's not their fault that they're making bad choices... it's their past, their family, their school, their friends, etc {p.s. In no way am I trying to undermine the influence that broken homes, abuse, damaged relationships, etc have on the life of a student. BUT I have seen some adopt a "victim-of-life" mindset that ultimately only cripples them more; and have seen others claim the VICTORY only Jesus gives and live not as a victim to their past but a victor in spite of it}.

And to all those students who come ready, who come broken, who come crippled... Jesus will say, "IT'S ME. I'm your healer. Don't worry that you can't get into the pool. I AM." And then, by steps of faith, those students will be called to get up. To rise up. To go public with their decision. To be brave. To make the conscious choice to make conscious choices every day to turn to Jesus for their salvation, healing, fulfillment, wholeness, newness.  And to walk. To take action, perhaps physical action. To live in light of being now healed, restored, saved, set apart. OH GLORY! 

One final thing I find interesting in the story is that later, in verse 14, Jesus goes and finds this newly healed man in the temple. Jesus said to him, "See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you." Jesus didn't JUST meet this man's need for physical healing. Jesus always went for the heart. Knowing that this man's new ability to walk was not the only thing he needed. Jesus knew that the man would once again become an "invalid," spiritually crippled, ill, unwell, debilitated, if he continued to live in sin. Jesus' heart for us is not JUST physical freedom (though He IS a God of healing, I truly believe that) but spiritual, emotional freedom as we walk in His light, His will, and according to His ways for our lives. 

Praying this coming week that some students realize, maybe for the first time, that they are spiritually crippled, but don't have to stay that way. Praying students' eyes are opened. Praying some of them gain such an incredible passion for the Lord that, upon Jesus' offer to take over their lives, they can't help but GET UP. And WALK. And KEEP WALKING. With Him. For a lifetime. 

Oh Come, Lord Jesus. Go before us and with us tomorrow and this next week. Amen. 

The Abundance of NOW

The now. The right here. My today. The present. This place, spot, season I'm trying to live in. Not the past, not the future, not the "what if," but the NOW. For everything that it is and perhaps even everything that its not. A combination of influences have set in motion a desire to look for the abundance in my life... the good ... the rich ... the deeply beautiful, blessed things that are true gifts when I'm willing to see them. Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts, combined with some dreams and desires the Lord has stirred up in me, combined with the incredible beauty of this sun-stretch of weather we've had lately, have been instruments used in awakening a piece of my soul that is tuned in to the abundance. The abundance of the now. 

From early in the morning, on the days I choose to get out of bed before the hubs and the doggy... and I go downstairs and pull back all the curtains. And the light pours in. Floods. Glows. As if it had been waiting ... like a child asking for permission and finally being told, "YES. Yes." Light. Air. Day. I'm up! Then the dance of the sprinklers. I have a weird obsession with sprinklers - the sights, the sounds, the knowing that it's making my lawn green. Something is getting done. Something is being fed, given life. Even the lawn needs to be "nourished." Me too. Eating breakfast at the table alone and sipping on iced coffee while the house is still quiet doesn't feel lonely; it's a luxury. Like I'm stealing time before a busy day to just be. To fill. To eat. Something I often "forget," or don't prioritize on my busier days // truly a terrible habit. I'm trying to daily remind my body that it NEEDS nourishment. Spiritually, from God's Word. And physically, from food. Eating whole, good foods. Less sugar, less refined carbs. More fruit, more vegetables, more water with lemon + mint. Making lunch happen. Eating dinner when it's time. Eating a good breakfast. Going on walks... long walks. Time to breathe, time for Michael and I to connect and catch up. The daily. The soul-care. 

But what about the places where the abundance is harder to "see"? Our weekly, sometimes daily conversations about our financial goals... the slow pace... the "doing it right," the Dave Ramsey Way. The getting out of debt (oh I can hardly wait!). The discipline. The choosing. The knowing and remembering and believing that God has blessed us; provided EVERYTHING we need and more; and we are in a wonderful spot in our marriage as we decide NOW to make wise choices with our finances that we know will affect our future. I wish we could get new cars, or buy a house, etc etc. But that's now our NOW right now. We are not "rich," of course... and yet we are. We have an abundance. A good, full, fun, incredible life and we can recognize God's gifts and provision at every turn. The walks we take with our dog in the mornings or evenings, both free of cost and priceless in value ... in a neighborhood we love; with charm and trees and the park and the just-right-length of walking loop that makes us sweat just a little but not too much - that's our abundance. Our daily gift, should we choose to unwrap and receive it. Not knowing how our living situation will pan out over the next few months can tend to creep in and threaten to dampen the gratitude; steal the sense of abundance; or thwart the sense of joy that comes from living right here right now. But only if I choose to let it. I can re-trace my steps and God's hand of provision throughout my ENTIRE life; seeing and remembering that He has always provided me with a home... somewhere to make a home. I trust Him. I trust Him. I do. 

But the biggest surplus, the biggest abundance, the most endless blessing. The knowing and loving Jesus. Lately the old old hymn has just been flooding through my mind and heart, cyclically, repeatedly. Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus. Just to take Him at His Word. Just to rest upon His promise. Just to know, 'Thus saith the Lord.' Oh it's so sweet. To walk to Jesus. To have walked with Jesus since I was a little girl. I love Him. I have resolved to follow Him for the rest of my life. The sweetness that comes from choosing to recognize His faithfulness to me, to me, for the past 25 years nearly brings tears to my eyes. That He sees me; dreamt dreams for me to walk in before I was even capable of imagining an idea; cherishes and prizes me not because I'm worthy but because I'm HIS. His goodness. His protection. His calling on my life. His blessing. His leading. His faithfulness. His power to transform. I can barely stand to think about how much more deeply I might love and know Him when I'm 50... 60...70...80. To know and walk with Jesus for a life time. Oh the abundant life. It's real. I choose that one. 

Wedding Reflections {One Year: part 1}

I'm about to get pretty dang sentimental up in here. Not even sorry about it. Our ONE YEAR anniversary is today, people. How did this happen? {I know everyone says "it goes by so fast," and I never really doubted it. But SERIOUSLY. One year has passed} 

Beside our wedding photos - which I still LOVE, but have yet to make a wedding album, don't wanna rush these things - what remains from May 25, 2012, is a string of memories. Mental snapshots. Personalized polaroids in my heart. I'm picturing the way Jim and Pam from The Office snap pictures with an invisible camera of moments they want to remember together. Ever since I was young, I've had a vividly photographic memory, and God has been so so good to help preserve some of the sweetest moments from my mind and heart from that incredible and overwhelming day. After dreaming about my wedding day since I was a little, little girl, I always wondered how it would feel to ACTUALLY be the bride. After that day came and went, it was hard to process the whirlwind of faces, moments, and feelings that flooded my heart. Finally, finally I'm sitting down to really, really process and document some of the most vivid portions of that day.

I remember the day before the wedding. My soon-to-be mother in law, Lori, hosted a beautiful bridesmaids luncheon. I remember that I was running late to it. My sister called to ask where I was because almost everyone was there except me. Selfishly, i thought, "Can I seriously be late to this? Like classified as LATE? I'm the bride. I think they wait for me to start." Anyway. I was stressed. Don't judge. Or do. It's in the past! They affirmed me over a delicious lunch and I felt filled to the brim with blessing. Then we all got our nails done. At one point I sent my sister to go get me coffee AND sandals - i was nervous I had lost the gold sandals I wanted to take on my honeymoon. So she took my debit card to Fred Meyer, in the pouring rain, to buy me new sandals. I loved them. This was just one instance in which I sent her to do errands for me. She was the best. I'll gladly return the favor one day for her. 

I remember the night before the wedding. After the rehearsal dinner was over. I was finally home, to spend my last night with my family. Before Michael left, we sat in the living room with my parents. Feeling anxious. My mom read Scripture over us/ to us and prayed with us. An incredible special memory. 

That same night, I was in my room, putting final touches on my honeymoon packing probably. Took a look in the mirror, and told my sister and mom, "I think I want to wear my hair like THIS tomorrow," showing them kind of how I wanted it. "THIS" what not the original plan. "THIS" is not what my hairdresser had practiced or what I had envisioned with my wedding dress during months prior. The plan was a loose but high top knot. Simple and elegant. Kind of ballerina-esque. Nope. Not anymore. New plan: low bun with some volume and my bangs swept to the side. Sure. Let's wing it. Thankfully when my stylist arrived at the house the next day, all I had to say to described the new "THIS" were a few words. She's kind of a mind reader. And brilliant. I loved my hair. 


I remember waking up the morning of the wedding. The day was here (also, it was a BEAUTIFUL day; it had rained all week and we had been praying for great weather for pictures. Thankful). And I. Felt. Miserable. So sick. Started feeling sick during my rehearsal dinner and up until I went to sleep, planning to "sleep it off." Nice try, McFly. I think the nerves - not to get married but just for the wedding event itself, with all the excitement/emotion/people - got to me. I internalize stress, that's not uncommon for me. I had just hoped this day would be an exception. I got up to have some breakfast, but had to go lay back down soon after. My wedding morning was spent in my bed, with my sister and my dear friend Annie sitting there with me, reading magazines and thinking about non-stressful things. Finally my sister suggested that we pray, so she prayed over me and I seriously started feeling better. What a blessing. I sipped on a Starbucks triple espresso ever so slowly, trying not to upset my stomach. I think I had two coffees brought to me that day with custom happy-wedding-day notes from my baristas. So sweet. Too bad I didn't/ couldn't finish the coffees. The plan was to take it one moment at a time, so I did. 

I remember eating snacks with all my bridesmaids in the kitchen of my parents' house. Jordan bit into a strawberry and there was a worm inside! GAG. She freaked. As would I. We were careful about the strawberries after that. Sometimes when I eat strawberries I still think abut that. 

I remember when the time came to leave the house and head to the church. BFF Liz and I drove in my mom's car. I think my suitcases were probably in there, too. It was the MOST surreal feeling to drive from my house to the church (I drive I've made hundreds of times), but this time knowing I was driving to my WEDDING. And then would leave for my honeymoon. The other day I was driving down Kuebler Blvd and this specific memory came flooding back. Being in the car on my wedding day with Liz. I'm not sure what we talked about. I think she asked me if I was nervous and if I was still feeling sick. I was just thankful she was there.

I remember meeting my wedding coordinator at the doors of the church, ready to go get into my wedding dress and prepare for "first look" pictures with Michael. "Wait, who has my dress?" In the hustle of getting out of the house with 5 bridesmaids, a bride, and my mom, I didn't really even think about my dress. Panic. Okay nevermind, my mom had it (I think). Phew. It's safe. 

I remember my first walk through of the church after it had all been decorated - so special. I think I literally gasped when I saw how beautiful both the reception room and the sanctuary looked. The details were breathtaking. STILL CAN'T BELIEVE how generous SO many people were with their time, creativity, and resources to help make my dream of transforming those spaces come to life. So incredible. I'm so thankful for everyone who gave so much to make that day look and feel so special. Makes me want to go above and beyond to help others with big and small details for their weddings in the future. 

I remember almost being out of the church to go see Michael for our first look. And there was my dad. He hadn't seen me in my dress yet. Chris, my wedding coordinator, and Amy, my photographer's wife, both had a moment of "oh my word, your dad hasn't seen you. Should we make this special? Should we go get Erich to take pictures?" I assured them it was fine and had a special moment seeing my dad, on my way to seeing my almost-husband up on the hill. My dad walked with us, and as I began to walk up the hill on my way to Michael, I noticed my dad walking in almost parallel to me down in the gravel. "Dad, what are you doing?" "I want to take pictures of your first look!" "Dad, no one else is supposed to be here for this moment. Erich will take pictures." That moment makes me misty eyed when I think about it. Up until THIS particular moment in my life, my dad made it his mission to be there for significant moments; to take pictures; to share the joy. His logic this time made perfect sense. That moment, that "not this time, dad," was so symbolic of the transition that was about to take place. When he would place my hand in Michael's. And give me away. Although at the time it was mostly subconscious, it was the first time I really realized that my dad's role in my life was changing. As it was supposed to. It was good. I felt SO bad asking him to leave. It was such a genuine way for him to show that he loved me and didn't want to miss a single beat in helping me remember and cherish this day forever. He was gracious. And we have beautiful pictures of that first look. He was so understanding and respectful of my wishes, but I still love that he wanted to be there in the first place.  

I remember when all my bridesmaids, my mom, my wedding coordinator, junior bridesmaids, EVERYONE had gone downstairs because the ceremony was about to begin. The only ones left were my dad and me. This was our moment. Waiting. And then, my dad went to wait on the landing of the stairs so he could let me know when it was time. Which left me alone. A few precious moments where I simply sat in a chair in the middle of the Sunday school classroom we affectionately refer to as the Triple Room. Staring at the baby blue walls. Rechecking my makeup and hair, maybe. Feeling the weight of those final moments alone. WHOA. And then he came back. And it was time. 

I remember going down and waiting in the lobby. Hearing the music. Watching our friends/ our bridal party walk in and give me excited looks and reassuring smiles. I paced back and forth A LOT. It didn't help that the Sigur Ros song we chose, "Festival," was just building and building and I knew my moment was coming. I think I made Kate Kinney go get me a glass of water, and Katrina reassured me while I paced back and forth, so did my dad. I also told my dad I might poop my pants, and I think he said something like, "you probably shoudn't" or "that would be weird" or something. I was so thankful that Kate and Katrina were the ones there to open the doors for me. To be right there as I prepared to walk down the aisle. 

And then. The doors opened. And my dad and I stood there at the doors about to walk through the most incredible arch of branches that my coordinator, Chris, put there simply because she thought I would like it. She knows me so well. And Festival was building. And there was a specific moment when the song just erupted in magnificence and musical brilliance that we were supposed to start walking. We had at least one "false start" I think, where we leaned forward and realized it wasn't here yet. Everyone was standing, looking at us. And then it began, the BIG PART OF THE SONG. And we walked. Down the aisle. No turning back. 

...to be continued. xoxo